Best Out of Office Automatic e-mail Replies

These replies are worth using in office emails.

1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification, because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection.
Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over
and over....)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Susan' instead of Steven

Best of #SuggestionsForReservations

Image Courtesy :-  Cartoonist Satish

Yesterday a  very sensitive hashtag #SuggestionsForReservations started trending but with inputs from the ever outstanding Tweeples it become outrageously funny.  I am a bit late in collecting the best tweets  but  this lists consists of some very witty,naughty and funny tweets. Let me know if a smile comes up on reading some of these.

Nigel Britto ‏@NigelBritto

#SuggestionsForReservations 100% quota for intelligent, educated people in Parliament. That would disqualify 99% of sitting MPs.

#SuggestionsForReservations : All kids of politician families must study in govt schools where 60%+ teachers and students are SC, ST & OBC.

Bhagwan RamchandrA ‏@Lord_Ram

#IfMumbaiWasGotham Bane would recruit 33% SC/ST/OBC soldiers.#SuggestionsForReservations

Sweaty Kuhu ツ ‏@I_Parna

#SuggestionsForReservations Gen: Answer All questions OBC: One Qs of ur Choice SC: Only read questions ST: Thnx for coming to exam hall

MP Singh ‏@NotThatMP

#SuggestionsForReservations All politicians to be operated upon by SC /ST doctors.

Ralston ‏@rallyrockstar69

#SuggestionsForReservations Hotel Decent, Ratlam... ;-)

Gopi Krishan Garhwal ‏@igopik

#SuggestionsForReservations Only ST/SC Candidate Can Use Corporations "Sulabh Shouchalay" General Piss On Pants.

Gautam Jain ‏@gautamthejain

#SuggestionsForReservations 27% more black money allowed for politicians, bureaucrats, businessmen in the reserved category.

Angry Bird * ‏@2ndHandJawani

First iphone 5 in India should be given to a SC/ST..#SuggestionsForReservations

@KaranArora: 25gb extra download cap by Airtel for all SC/ST broadband users#SuggestionsForReservations

SaggiRex™ Radia-Gen ‏@saggirex

#SuggestionsForReservations : separate IRCTC counter for ...........!

Soumitra Kandpal ‏@soumitrafore

#SuggestionsForReservations In 100 m race SC/ST will start from 27 m mark and will be given lead of 2 seconds

Lazy Delhi Guy ‏@lazydelhiguy

#SuggestionsForReservations Faster delivery by Dominos to SC/ST. They were made to wait for water 100 yrs back. They wont have to for pizza

The best :- 

Kartik Dhar ‏@KartikDhar

Brittania 50/50 biscuits to be renamed as 27/73#SuggestionsForReservations

Tangy Tweets To Make Your Day

 @fakingnews : #WaysToGetDumped Ask Dinesh Trivedi

@Catalyst303: Listening to silence & listening to music ask the same talent. Tuning into the subtle. ~Aline 

@NehaT_ :You are almost perfect. The only thing missing is your existence.

@NehaT_ : If you don't like me, blame yourself.

@jonno_go If you're reading this, you'll know without a doubt that I have nothing better to do.

@funnyortruth #YouKnowYoureArabWhen everyone in your family owns a personal gas station.

@Eccentricandhow *Google Wage* clearly proves that there's a Shahid Kapoor inGoogle’s PR team

@jaythakare Google wave finally manages to make some waves with a typo! Grand sunset ceremony for Google Wage... Er Wave.

"An iphone today has more computing power than NASA did in 1969. They put a man on the moon, and we throw birds at pigs" @lomcovak

@zbleumoon : Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield. ◓◓

@tejus_sawjiani: The only thing left to put service tax on are bribes 

@idillionaire : Hopefully your life will be as cool as make it appear online.

 @coolfunnytshirt: KRK is the blockberry boy! 

@tweetpiee:  Lazy rule; can`t reach it, don`t need it.

Weight Loss Plan

A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,"If I catch you, you are mine!!!"
He lost 63 pounds that week.

Possession Rules of Toddlers

1. If I like it, it's mine. 

2. If it's in my hand, it's mine. 

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine. 

4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine. 

5. If it's mine, it must NEVER appear to be yours in anyway. 

6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine. 

7. If it looks just like mine, it is mine. 

8. If I saw it first, it's mine. 

9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically

   becomes mine. 

10. If it's broken, it's yours. 

Why Parents Get Gray Hair?

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an
urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the
employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered,
"Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster
the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes", whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No".

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home
alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person
who should be there watching over the child.  "Is there anyone there
besides you?", the boss asked the child.

"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
asked, "May I speak with the policeman"?

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?, asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered
answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is
that noise?"

"A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just
landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss
asked, "Why are they there"?

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle,
"They're looking for me!"

Apology Letter From The Wife

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I

accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when

it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will

forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.

I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.
XXX

P.S. Your girlfriend called.

Titanic and Inception are connected

I am now feeling like

 

The Blonde Loan Joke

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. She has the title, and everything checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns. She repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Finally, a smart blonde joke.

If Dinosaurs were Super Heroes

These were created by artist d.r3sto as part of his exploration of morphing some of his favorite creatures with comics.

Wolveraptor
 

Hulkasaurus Rex



AnkyloTHORus


Captain Ameritops


Iron Brontosaurus


Stegolossus


PteranoSTORM


Paracyclophus


Deadpachycepoolosaurus


Gambilophosaur


Nightcrawlimimus


Daredevilnotauro


via : TIFR

A Man and A Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie apeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live. It's brilliant!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount of money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

URL: http://able2know.org/topic/121430-1

Grand Daddy Of All Chain Mails

Image Courtesy:WikiHow

I want to thank all my friends and other unknown people who have forwarded chain letters to me from 2005, to 2011 and still continue doing so….

Because of your kindness:

I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out that it’s good only for removing toilet stains.

I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS

I smell like a wet dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer.

I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they may ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda , Singapore and Tokyo.

I also stopped drinking water outside for fear that I will get sick from the rat shit and urine.

When I go to parties, I don’t look at any girl, no matter how hot she is, for fear that she will take me to a hotel, drug me, then take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times. (Poor girl! she’s been 7 since 1993…)

My free Nokia phone never arrived and neither did the free passes for a paid vacation to Disneyland.

Made some Hundred wishes before forwarding those Dalai Lama, Ganesh Vandana, Tirupathi Balaji pics etc..

Now most of those “Wishes” are already married (to someone else)!

If ORKUT/Facebook deletes my account, it doesn’t matter BUT PLEASE DON’T SEND me
“Orkut/Facebook is deleting accounts: Due to sudden rush…” Otherwise I’ll delete my E-Mail account!

The Value of Tardiness

Image Courtesy Brian German

One day in 1939, Berkeley doctoral candidate George Dantzig arrived late for a statistics class taught by Jerzy Neyman. He copied down the two problems on the blackboard and turned them in a few days later, apologizing for the delay — he’d found them unusually difficult. Distracted, Neyman told him to leave his homework on the desk.
On a Sunday morning six weeks later, Neyman banged on Dantzig’s door. The problems that Dantzig had assumed were homework were actually unproved statistical theorems that Neyman had been discussing with the class — and Dantzig had proved both of them. Both were eventually published, with Dantzig as coauthor.
“When I began to worry about a thesis topic,” he recalled later, “Neyman just shrugged and told me to wrap the two problems in a binder and he would accept them as my thesis.”

Source: http://www.futilitycloset.com/2010/07/21/the-value-of-tardiness/

100. HOLLYWOOD OPERATING SYSTEM

                          /************************************/
                      /* Guidelines to development        */
                     /*              on the              */
                    /*    HOLLYWOOD OPERATING SYSTEM    */
                   /************************************/

1. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.

2. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit data at two gigabytes per second.

3. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the  control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

4. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a  backup file -- and there are no undelete utilities. Corollary: Deleting a file instantly removes all copies of said file from disks, memory, frame buffers and caches across all computers in the universe.

5. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.

6. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by  any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.

7. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has. However,  everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labeled.

8. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.

9. Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY.

10. Whenever a character looks at a terminal, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face.

11. Computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities. Humans  operating computers never make mistakes under stress.

12. (From Independence Day) No matter what kind of virus it is, any computer  can be infected with it -- even an alien spaceship's computer -- simply by  running a virus upload program on a laptop.

13. (From Jurassic Park)

A custom system with millions of lines of code  controlling a multimillion dollar theme park can be operated by a 13 year old who has seen a Unix system before.

Seeing an operating system means you know how to run any application on that system, even custom apps.
   Note: What OS was it really running?          
(1) "These are super computers".  A CrayOS?        
(2) "Quicktime movie, Apple logo, trash can."  MacOS?
(3) "Reboot. System ready. C:\"  DOS?           
(4) "Hey, this is Unix.  I know this"  Unix?
The computers in Jurassic Park were Cray supercomputers running the MacOS   as a graphical shell of DOS all layered on top of a Unix base.

14. You cannot stop a destructive program or virus by unplugging the computer. Presumably the virus has it's own built-in power supply.

15. You cannot stop a destructive program downloading onto your system by unplugging the phone line. You must figure out the mandatory "back door"  all evil virus programmers put in.

16. Computers only crash if a virus or a hacker is involved.

17. All text must be at least 72 point.  18. Word processors do not have an insert point.

19. The only way to reboot is to shut off the main power to the building.

20. Passwords can be guessed in three and exactly three tries.  If you cannot guess the password in three tries, you must give up immediately.

21. Any task or program can be executed by simply pressing Enter, no matter which program or window is in the foreground.

22. All scanners, video cameras and digital cameras have a resolution of approximately 500 megapixels.  Any image can be infinitely magnified with no pixelization.

23. Security will not improve over time.  Nonaffialiated personnel can take over a space ship without needing an account or access control. Corollary: Anyone can override access control lists in the future.

24. All hackers wear black T-shirts or Hawaiian shirts.

25. Incoming messages are displayed letter by letter.  Email over the Internet works like telegraphs.

26. Microsoft Windows doesn't exist.  Macintosh has a 75% market share.

27. GUI operations, such as image selection and manipulation, can be handled easily and quickly via the keyboard.  

Source:http://nand.net/~demaria/hollywood.txt

99.Fly Guy

This a amzing game ...use left,right,up,down keys and fly that guy .... sometimes he meets an alien and plays guitar with him..then there is a body builder,fighter planes, satellite,men at work,a flying guru..ok ok I am revealing more than I should ..find out more by playing the game.

The words are not visible correctly ..try to open it in its original source(link provided below)

Original source: http://www.trevorvanmeter.com/flyguy/flyGuy.swf

96. Football entrance test

Football Entrance Exam



Time Limit: 3 WeeKS

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army or
(d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope?
(a) Jewish
(b) Catholic
(c) Hindu
(d) Polish
(e) Agnostic (check only one)

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America's far north called?
(a) Westerners
(b) Southerners
(c) Northerners

9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy's
(b) a 7-11
(c) Canada
(d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
(a) yes
(b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR-spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) New York
(b) Florida
(c) Canada
(d) Wisconsin

18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

20. The University of Miami tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
(a) B.C.
(b) A.D.
(c) still waiting

*You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify


Found at  http://laughnet.net/football-entrance-exam-p-76.html

95. Somebody likes you

He its not me but the alien who likes you :P.

Click on the red button

93. Ragdoll

This is your rag doll do anything

 with it .Smash it against the wall

 or anything you would like to with

 

your most hated person in this world.

*Try changing gravity option ..its fun

87. Drunken MAn Game

We used to have a physics problem in class 11th  where we were given some parameters and conditions and had to find how much length will the drunk man travel before falling down, this is a practical version of it. lolz .............zzzzz

This game belongs to : http://www.wagenschenke.ch/HomeRun.swf

85. Oracle's Real-Life Q & A ( IT humor )

Q. What if your Dad loses his car keys? 

A. 'Parent keys not found!' 



Q. What if your old girl friend spots you with your new one? 

A. 'Duplicate value on index!' 



Q. What if the golf ball doesn't get into the hole at all? 

A. 'Value larger than specified precision!' 



Q. What if you try to have fun with somebody else's girlfriend and 

get kicked out? 

A. 'Insufficient privileges on the specified object!' 



Q. What if you don't get any response from the girl next door? 

A. 'No data found!' or ' Query caused no rows retrieved!' 



Q. What if you get response from the girl next door and her Mom too? 

A. 'SELECT INTO returns too many rows!' 



Q. What if you dial a wrong number? 

A. 'Invalid number' or ' Object doesn't exist!' 



Q. What if you try to beat your own trumpet? 

A. 'Object is found mutating!' 



Q. What if you are too late to office and the boss catches you? 

A. 'Discrete transaction failed!' 



Q. What if you see 'theatre full' when you go to a movie? 

A. 'Maximum number of users exceeded!' 



Q. What if you don't get table in the lunch room? 

A. 'System out of tablespace!'